House on the Rock

Or child. Or, perhaps both.

I can’t really think of a day I have dreaded more than Mother’s Day this year. The traumatic, tragic, all-too-fast death of my mom-turned-best friend, bookended by the loss of our unborn baby, made me not particularly eager for May 12th to roll around. Not only was I without a mother, but those dreams of becoming a mother were suddenly dashed to darkness as well.

But it’s May 17th today, which means we survived. The sun came up, the world kept spinning, and by God’s grace, I peeled myself out of bed and into a day that felt equal parts warzone and wonderland.

I know I am not the only one to experience such grief on this day. In fact, a restaurant reservation app I subscribe to actually sent out a mid-April email saying users could opt out of Mother’s Day Buffet notifications because they know the day can be tough. Such thoughtfulness brought me to tears as I rapidly clicked “opt out!”

And I know I’m not the only person to survive such a day. There are many who have endured far greater losses by far more tragic means. I am nowhere close to an expert on grieving. But in the spirit of trying to write more than I watch TV, I thought I’d share a few helpful hints on making it through these Hallmark holidays that might feel more hurtful than happy. My prayer would be that you might find this to be an encouraging tool as these difficult days draw near.

My eight encouragements to endure these dreaded days:

1. Pray like crazy. For days, weeks, and months leading up to the day you’re dreading. My family started praying over Mother’s Day sometime back in March. We asked dear friends to join us in that prayer. We didn’t exactly know what to pray, but it certainly lessened the dread knowing that we had front-loaded every drop of that day with an outpour of cries to the Lord. And genuinely, I could feel His presence going before us more and more as the countdown crunched to Sunday.

2. Have a plan. Lack of preparedness could have been catastrophic. Two weeks before the day, we coordinated lunch plans with family. Everyone knew who was bringing what thanks to shared spreadsheets, and there were very few surprises about who would be where or what we would do. This prevented the added emotion I tend toward most: stress. It also got me excited to feast with my favorite people. Whether your plan is to gather with loved ones, visit the cemetery, call up a counselor or hide in a hole, it’s good to anticipate what that day will look like.

3. Step away from social media. My siblings and I encouraged each other to get away for a few days leading up to May 12th, and we found ourselves in a far better headspace — able to memorialize our mom in conversations and carrot-cutting rather than letting discontentment and resentment breed in our hearts. It is a joyous event to celebrate mothers and being mothers, but it is not something you need to sit in, seeing with every scroll the losses you’re lamenting most. Get off, and maybe stay off? Forever? Up to you.

4. Go to church. As brutal as these days can be, what a gift that they fall on the Lord’s Day. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. If anything, It reminds us that everything belongs to Him — He gives and takes away, but never without being loving, near, and enough. He is a father to the fatherless, but the motherless too. Get to a place that will preach that, and find a people who will point you to that. Then worship that good good Father with everything you have.

5. Talk about the person you’re missing. It felt tempting to avoid memories of Mom’s little ticks — the hand-on-hip selfies, the pinky-up sweet-tea sipping, the way she’d sneak off to the couch midday and we’d find her sound asleep. But to suppress those recollections is to rob us of the rich years we had with her: so much laughter, goodness, and joy. We talked about her a ton. Shaking with laughter while blotting fast-falling tears, and I think that’s pretty representative of life as a whole.

6. Thank the people who have surrounded you. I have quite a list of moms-away-from-Mom, and each one has gently and intentionally stepped in to provide words and wisdom, texts and tissues, snacks and a shoulder. Knowing they’ll never replace Carrie Saunders but living out the one anothers of Scripture on two feet. I could have fixated on all that I lack, or I could praise God’s faithfulness in the people He has provided. Spend some time thanking the people in your corner.

7. Serve someone, somehow. My plan A for this day was to self-care the morning away: elaborate skin care routine, hot shower, Starbucks run… but as I prepared for that, I pictured myself sulking in the shower, crying off facial cleanser, and feeling too sickly-sad to sip on Starbs. Someone from church encouraged me to show up early and help with hospitality. As grueling as it may seem, watch the way that lifting the burdens of others lifts many burdens of your own. All this, rather than indulging a macchiato alone.

8. Think often of the Gospel. Lastly, and most importantly, take time to reflect on the life-changing truth of the Gospel: Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay for our sins and rose again. We who trust him have an eternity with Him free of suffering, sickness, or sin. We will be perfectly satisfied in the presence of our Heavenly Father. And that will be our reality forever. This life is so short, and we miss our people fiercely, but bask in the reality of the reunion that is coming. Surrender your life to Jesus, and rejoice that we’ll be there soon.

And finally, reach out to me. I’m praying for you.